Ashley ElleModern relationships often highlight the importance of respect and partnership. Yet, when it comes to managing a home, the invisible weight of responsibility still disproportionately falls on women. This imbalance often manifests in a seemingly innocent statement: “Just make me a list, and I’ll get it done.”
However, making a list should be a task for Santa, not the woman in your life.
In childhood, chore lists serve as a teaching tool. Parents use them to help kids develop a sense of responsibility, understand their role within the family, and learn basic life skills. However, grown adults—especially those in long-term relationships—shouldn’t need to be micromanaged this way. By adulthood, basic tasks like cooking, cleaning, and childcare should already be second nature. When a man asks for a chore list, it implies that the woman is the “man-ager” of the home, while he is merely an employee waiting for direction. This dynamic infantilizes men and forces women into a parental role, perpetuating an unhealthy imbalance. Being an adult means taking initiative—seeing what needs to be done and doing it without waiting for instructions. It’s not a woman’s job to supervise her partner’s contributions to the household.
For many women, the phrase “just tell me what to do” is a red flag, not a relief. It shifts the mental load of household management squarely onto her shoulders. The mental load refers to the cognitive labor involved in keeping a household running smoothly—planning meals, sched-uling appointments, remembering birthdays, and anticipating future needs. This type of labor often goes unnoticed because it’s invisible, yet it’s exhausting.
When a man asks for a chore list, he’s essentially saying, “I won’t notice what needs to be done, but I’ll do it if you point it out.” This adds an extra layer of work for the woman, who now has to assess, prioritize, and communicate tasks on top of completing her own share of responsibilities. Instead of lightening her load, he’s contributing to it.
The solution isn’t for men to wait for instructions; it’s to develop awareness. Look around the house. Are dishes piling up in the sink? Does the trash need to go out? Are the kids’ backpacks still packed with yesterday’s lunch? These are tasks anyone can observe and address without needing a written list. A key point often overlooked in these conversations is the fact that no one is making a list for the woman. Women, by default, are expected to juggle multiple responsibilities without prompting. No one tells her to scrub the bathtub, meal prep for the week, or remember that the dog needs a vet appointment. She does it be-cause it needs to be done.
This discrepancy highlights an underlying cultural expectation that women are naturally better at—or more suited to—home management. It’s not that women are inherently more organized or detail-oriented; they’ve simply been conditioned to anticipate and address domestic needs. Men are equally capable of develop-ing these skills, but only if they actively choose to step into a partnership. When men rely on their female partners to act as household managers, it often breeds resentment. This dynamic communicates, whether intentionally or not, that the man’s time and mental energy are more valuable than the woman’s. It says, “I’ll wait until you tell me what to do, but I won’t make the effort to figure it out myself.”
Over time, this dynamic can erode the foundation of a relationship. Women may feel undervalued, unsupported, and overwhelmed. Instead of being a partner, the man becomes another responsibility on her never-ending to-do list. For a healthy relationship, both partners need to take ownership of their life together.
If you’re a man wondering how to break free from this dynamic, the answer is simple: take initiative. Here’s the last list you’ll ever need:
- Observe and Act: Look around the house with a critical eye. If something looks out of place or unfinished, take care of it.
- Share the Mental Load: Actively participate in planning and organizing household tasks.
- Learn Household Skills: If there are tasks you’re unfamiliar with—whether it’s cook-ing, laundry, or balancing the budget—make an effort to learn. Being a competent adult means knowing how to manage your environment.
- Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time to discuss household responsibilities as a team.
The next time you find yourself tempted to say, “Just make me a list,” remember this: asking for a chore list shifts the burden of responsibility onto someone else. It’s a subtle way of saying, “You handle the thinking, and I’ll handle the doing.” But in a healthy partnership, both thinking and doing are shared equally.
